The Tarnished Silver

Image courtesy: unknown

For all those who are regular to my blog, no this is not a poem. Interestingly enough, I tried writing a poem on this but couldn’t get the words right. A theory for me is if I can write a well-versed poem on anything that means I’m strong enough to fight it and overcome it. Unfortunately, this I’m not.

I was in 5th std, when I got my first period, only what I thought it was. It didn’t pain, it was just blood. I was pretty much aware about menstruation so I didn’t panic. I went into the clinic room of my school and the nurse there guided me for how to put it on. There was continous pain in my lower abdomen but I thought that was normal. The blood discharge was dry and low but I didn’t bother. That was it. For another 2 years I didn’t have my periods again.
I remember talking to the school nurse and my mum about how I felt there was something hard in my vagina. At first I thought it was supposed to be there and hence to clear out my confusion I asked my sister and she informed me indeed it wasn’t. It was then when my mom and I visited a doctor. After she examined me she told me that it was fungus and I had a rare infection. What next? Medications, creams and all sorts of “ghar k tareeke’ to make my pain go away. It didn’t. Eventually I learned to live with it.

In 11th, I was dating a guy. He was more of a best friend 😀
Anyhow, as things were getting pretty serious, I guffed up the courage to tell him about my infection and how I cannot have penetrated sex. He was quite supportive and agreed.
But, it was once when I started having what I remember as heart wrenching pain.
I wanted to die right at that moment. I went in the loo to check only to find myself bleeding and something inside me was hurting what felt like a needle.
With all my courage I stick up my hand inside, only to find a rusted-half dissolved silver ring. Death and horror flashed before my eyes. I fainted then and there.
My boyfriend was there with me, he picked me and as I regained conscious, I started crying and told him everything. Who was he kidding? He cried more than me.

I don’t remember how that got in. My worst realisation was not the tarnished silver but its insertion. I have been molested a lot when I was a kid. The more I think, the more I remember about the horrific time and I know at the back of my mind, I know all of it but can’t really unlock that box. Maybe I’m not ready to feel all of it.
It was then I realized that blood was not menstrual discharge, it was my pain.


Damaged as it was,
Deluded my mind,
A rusted ring,
Of my kind,
Pain and blood,
Anxiety and mud,
Inside the walls of my vagina
Was a tarnished silver.
Who put it there?
When was this dread?
The fear in red,
My hands shiver
As I recall
The deadly time
The picture that was real
My vandalized vulva
My ruined childhood
My gruesome past
My last….

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6 thoughts on “The Tarnished Silver

  1. To have the strength and courage to put it out is what I applaud ! Being this sensitive a topic to put up the guts to narrate your life so as to send a message to everyone who needs this, who probably will, at last, have that somebody in you to share their pain with.
    I applaud you and your strength.
    Never stop writing.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are deserving. So much to learn from people like you even after life put you down you get up and that’s what is important.
        No one can hit as hard as life. But it is all about how hard can get hit and keep moving forward and I do believe you are an example 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If I inspire people, that is all I aim for. No write up ever goes watsed. My pen is all I aspire for people to learn from. I’ll be happy if this gives strength to even a single person.

        Like

  2. As iI was going through all your writing the barrelled earrings, two faces, mr. Alpha, the tarnished silver(best among all). All I could thought about was…

    As it is said lion is king of jungle. But what about the mother who put all her efforts in bringing up the cub, to ensure the safety of the cub, to make sure that her cub gets a proper diet even if she has to sleep empty stomach, fight with other great lions to defend the cub. All these thing needs a lot of courage, potential and willpower.

    And I can see a lioness in you.
    Keep writing.
    Keep motivating.
    Keep smiling ^^

    Liked by 1 person

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